I Jabbed a Pregnant Woman

The title really says it all. I jabbed a pregnant woman.

It wasn't a poke. Or a prod. It was a straight up jab. And not even on a sensible place on her body. I jabbed her baby. What kind of person am I???

It happened while I worked at Save-On-Foods (the grocery store which sells slightly over-priced food but insists that you get "more, more, more" by shopping there...).

Here is a picture my old store! Fun times

Once you enter the main threshold of the store and turn left, there is a "hidden" staircase which takes you to The Office. It's one small space which has a window that allows people up there to surveil the store. Creepy? I think so.

Up in The Office is where employees (mostly managers) can go to pick up labels, order forms...etc. for their department. One sunday I went up there in the morning to go gather the labels for my department. Usually people who worked the graveyard shift are still working at this time.

So I get to the top of the staircase. Collect my sh*t. And, of course, stop to talk with one of the graveyard gals (who had been hanging signs all night). She had on this really old-looking, puffy jacket that was definitely from the men's department. It was massive on her.

It was just the two of us up there, so I decided to make small chat. I began by saying the usual: "oh hey! How's it goin'? Haven't seen you in a while"
Puffy-Coat replied: "Oh good. How are you?"

I said I was good as well.
We then had a bit of an awkward silence.
I needed to brake that silence.
Nothing is worse than awkward silences... because both of you KNOW its awkward and are probably dying for the other person to start up another topic.

"Oh my", I said in a playful voice, "it almost looks like your pregnant".

I then tightened my fingers together to form an optimal jabbing position. (As demonstrated above). And proceeded to jab her right in the belly.

Silence.

Puffy-Coat: "...That's because I am pregnant".

More silence.

Me: "Oh!"

Silence Again.

Me:  "...I'm sorry".

I walked away SO FAST. I am such an ass. Wow.
If her kid has brain damage, it's MY fault. Who jabs a pregnant woman? I'n definitely going to hell.

In my defence, I didn't know. The puffy coat from the mens department would have been baggy on a portly man! Ya'll shouldn't hide your baby bumps. Show them off!
....so that next time I will think before I jab.

Awkward Scale: AA
(out of a possible 5 "As")

Diapers on Teenagers?

At some point, you need to stop wearing diapers.

The acceptibilty of wearing diapers vanishes when you hit 4 years old. I've known some people who may have even used them a bit later than others... maybe 7 years old. But when you are in your teens, you should have that bathroom routine down pat.

Yes. Yes. People might have some bladder problems which means they might need them.
But c'mon.

When I was in highschool,  I use to go up to one of my friends' cabins for a week of sun, fun, and "organized activities". (She had THOSE kinds of parents).  Every year I would be dropped off at her house and then I would climb into her Grand Cherokee for a 6 hour ride with her parents and her brother.
Jimmy Buffet, Meat Loaf, and Queen were often played in the car ride. You decide whether that's cool or not.

This one year, at her cabin I discovered something.

My friends' cabin had 4 doors in the entire space: the front door, the bathroom door, and 2 bedroom doors. This was not my discovery, though.
I was going to change into my pajamas for bed and needed somewhere to do this in private. The bathroom was taken by her brother (who was 13 at the time), the "kids room" was taken by my friend, so I had to take her parents room.

While in there, I noticed the closet door was wide open. Sitting right in plain view was this MASSIVE diaper package propped sideways in the middle of the closet.
Awkward.

Why did they need diapers? Both kids were teenagers. This was so weird. I didn't want to bring it up, so I just kept quiet...

...until later that evening. I saw the brother go into his parents room. I was settled on the couch (aka. my bed) and when he finally emerged, he walked very slowly with his legs stiff, trying not to move them. I also noticed that there was an obvious outline of something bulky in the "underwear region".
OH GOD. The Diapers.

SO AWKWARD. I knew. But he didn't know that I knew.

(^Here I am sleeping on the couch after that awkward moment...)

Stupid me, I brought it up with his sister the next day. I asked:
"Does your brother wear diapers?"
Silence.
"Uh...no"
Silence.
"Oh... Okay."

So much lies. They were all lies. Lying liar!

Unfortunately, I still think of this awkward moment, the awkward walking, and the awkward conversation whenever I see her brother.
You might say we have an awkward connexion. (eh, eh?! Nice integration)

Awkward Scale: AAA
(out of a possible 5 "A"s)

Old Men in Ballet

TRUE FACT: I use to work at Save-On-Foods.
It's a grocery store. Where you can buy food. Sometimes you can save on it....most of the time it's over-priced. But all this information is irrelevant. And not funny. Or awkward. That's just me.

One thing you must know is that I get hit on by men quite often. To be more specific, old men. And by old I don't mean "he's in his thirties". By old I mean over 50. 

During my time at Save-On-Foods, most old men who hit on me were customers. They were never younger than 40 and almost always NOT interesting. (This one guy told me how he use to be involved with pidgeon racing).

At the time of this story, we had a guy who worked in our Deli who was a skinny, frail old man. His hair was thinning, he had thick glasses, and he creeped on me frequently. I thought: "Oh, He's an old man. He's not going to try any lines or put the moves on me". So I never shot him down when he wanted to talk. Bad idea.

One day, I was labelling kosher pickles that we served in Bulk Food (that's weird, isn't it?). This man... we'll call him Jaques, approached me on his way to the break room. Without saying a word he hands me this photograph and a key chain which was in the shape of a "half-heart" (I assume he had the other half....).

This photo depicted himself, in a deep V-neck leotard flying through the air with his hands held triumphantly above his head.
Awkward.

What do I say? Should I thank him? Do I laugh? Do I ask questions about wtf is going on in the picture? Or, I should act interested.

In the end, I thanked him. I thought that sounded the best. But he didn't move. He just stayed there. So I went on:
"Oh...wow. So you used to be in ballet? That's neat"
Pssh. Who says NEAT anymore. He'll know I'm lying.
But he totally bought it.

It was only after he left that I noticed on the back, he left his email address. I lol-ed. Spartacus650 was his chosen name. Of course Mr.Ballet chooses spartacus.
I reported this odd behaviour to my manager and he laughed hysterically. He got on his little walkie-talkie and called up the other manager to hear my story and see my ....um...gifts? In the end, he did nothing about it.
Yay for me. Yay for old men living the dream. Yay for awkward situations?

Awkward Scale: AAA
(out of a possible 5 "A"s)